Overheard: Volume 1

I have a bit of an eavesdropping problem. I just have a habit of listening to other people's conversations, especially in restaurants. I never use what I hear for ill. Until now.
I have decided to broadcast some of the more ridiculous things I overhear as a result of my perpetual eavesdropping. Here is your first taste:

Joel and I got a buy one get one free coupon to a local burger place. Little did we know that it is apparently a hangout for old people in Sandy. (Side note: there is a Simpson's episode in which Homer is trying to gain weight to become morbidly obese and get on disability. He visits the quack doctor, Nick Riviera, who advised him to replace regular foods with extra caloric foods, like making sandwiches with poptarts. "Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon." This provides a good context for our trip to the burger place. Joel ordered what they call the "Hog Burger." It is a huge half-pound burger with grilled onions, but instead of a hamburger bun, they use two--yea, two--grilled cheese sandwiches, one with bacon inside and one with tomatoes. This is completely true. Joel ordered it for posterity. If we can have one after his arteries are coated by the age of 35. But I digress.)

There were two couples of senior citizens at the table behind us, and I was eavesdropping as they began discussing what they did for each other for Valentine's Day. Keep in mind that they're all 70+; one man had a terrible toupee and one woman had a neck brace. One couple reported that they didn't do anything for Valentine's. The man joked, "I didn't even realize it was Valentine's Day until she started French kissing me." The other woman (not his wife) said, "That would be a turnoff.
"The first time I tried that was with Grant. We stood out by the shed and stuck our tongues out as far as they would go. We got to the back of each other's tongues, and we both just got sick. He said, 'That's supposed to be fun?'"

I laughed the longest silent, stifled laugh I have for a long time.